IT'S NOT OK, CUPID
Some ladies don’t have to wish that they had a window over the bay. When I’m alone, I buy Bunapi mushrooms for dinner. I pretend they are the small, sad penises of the men who live in San Francisco… tossing one to the floor, like an homage to all of the guys who have died and decided to make a life for themselves here. My boss (chauvinist Brit) had a meeting with me last week to suggest I try online dating.. either in an attempt to deter me from sending titty pics to a coworker, or out of sincere concern for my happiness. Every time I disable my okcupid account, I reactivate it. I stick this free, frozen burrito, in the microwave to shock it back to life and then repeat, until the whole thing becomes a purple sludge that has no flavor left at all. When I make that final decision to "delete, forever," after having stayed up eating chocolate covered strawberries until 2AM, answering over 500 questions about my personality and goals for the future, I feel like shit. I’m here to find a man, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I need to be incredibly specific. Besides, that coworker in my office, he wanted me to pretend to be a cat.
What I'm doing with my life:
I come from New England where salt of the earth people work hard and speak with broad A’s. When I tell people I’m an artist (a painter), most of them ask if I like to paint flowers or animal portraits and go on to suggest a nice coffee shop where I could show my work. I just applied to Yale for my Master of Fine Arts’ degree, so let’s spare both of us the embarrassment and not talk about my artwork for at least a month. I don’t expect the man I’m seeing to understand or be completely enthralled with the art I make. In fact, my hope is to meet someone in a completely unrelated field. I took 11 free classes to become an emergency first responder through the San Francisco Fire Department, with the hopes of being able to help folks and to meet a Fireman. I’m going to volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito to help seals… and to meet a biologist. You should know, I won’t consider dating a salesman.
I'm really good at:
I decided to live at the top of the city, in Nob Hill where everyone is over 50 and has small dogs.
For all that apply, these are true tales and strict dealbreakers:
Mommy problems (or animosity towards your family), take pills (for depression/anxiety/anything else), have in the past-present-future: cut/burned/mutilated yourself or welcomed others to mutilate you, feel that my most useful place is in the kitchen, have conservative beliefs and values that restrict you from anything sexual (that includes some pda but does not include any sort of adult pony, baby, furry kinda crap), de-hair any part of your body other than your face, loves to shop, hates the outdoors (would need all of the comforts of home when camping.. aka, glamping), has kids, has been married/engaged before, just got out of a relationship and are on the rebound, are intimidated by independent and opinionated women, not ok with pegging, work a job that you don’t really care about (there can only be one of us. Musicians and artists working in a coffee shop are out..), own a pair of skinny jeans, are obsessed with bike culture, fit into the ‘hipster” category, don’t live within walking distance to my apartment, are vegan/vegetarian or don’t eat meat (OUT, I carry a stick of salami in my purse), have a thing for: ugg boots, tattoos, little dogs, fake tanned skin, I’ll add more as they come..
When a guy cares enough to go through the effort of altering his photographs to be an "artsy and dramatic" black and white, I’m going to move on. It shows he cares way too much about his self image and probably spends hours shaving off all of his body hair in the bathroom.
Seeing your pasty white torso even before we meet is unacceptable. Why are you doing that. Stop. If you need to post bod shots on this site to help boost your ego, we’ve got a problem. Even if you’re out on a boat, holding up a striped bass.. call me conservative, but let’s hope you have a little more confidence, bra. I know my headless photo’s are hypocritical but I need to conceal my identity.. what if my co-workers saw this shit? You understand, right..?
Anything that eludes to sex; i.e. "Cumfuryou324," "HotOven5Mr." Anything that refers to you being a geek; "Geekdom," "RealGeekyLov23." Every guy’s page that I've seen like this make numerous attempts to identify themselves as being the biggest geek (which paves way for a lot of weird generalizations) but after reading these profiles, they usually come off as being quite the opposite. If you’re not agoraphobic and don’t sit in your room for 24 hours playing World of Warcraft, you’re not a geek.
The first thing people usually notice about me:
My wardrobe, (when I’m not in the office), has some pretty interesting patterns and color choices. I’ve become sort of a lava lamp. I don’t really omit heat anymore, instead, I have fun, interesting colors that blob around. Have you ever seen one that hasn’t been turned on and sits, forgotten, in the closet for 10 years?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:
I read a lot of literary magazines online. I like funnywomen.com and the Rumpus. Early American History novels sit on my shelf. I should watch more movies and I enjoy music but I don’t own a television. It’s been hard to ask the butcher to remove 3 pieces of meat out of a package of 4 or to take a ‘single’ stick of butter out of a pack. Single, single, single.
I spend alot of time thinking about:
When I go to the Kabuki spa on women-only days, I like checking out what other ladies' got.. like I’m sizing them up, in a non-lesbian way. Or maybe in a slight bi way, I don't know, I'm questioning. Nobody there gives a fuck, it’s pretty liberating to be surrounded by butt naked ladies who are proud of what they’ve got. Like, it’s ok if one chick’s got one boob smaller than the other or if another has a gigantic, ‘disproportioned’ ass.
On a typical friday night I am:
Sitting at the end of the bar, watching all of the Marina kids with heavy colognes trying to hit on girls wearing less than me. I could be in my art studio or in a café writing.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
I’m a writer and an artist.
You should message me if:
If you can get this far down the page, the men I’m interested in should have the following physical attributes: Dark hair (I prefer curly or wavy hair), who are as tall or taller than me, are at an average weight (I dislike big muscles but can’t be with someone who is too skinny because they remind me of my brother), I’m not interested in chiseled faces or the whole blonde hair/blue eye thing. I go forjust the opposite. No offense to all others but the men who are coming from Latin America, Italy, the Pacific Islands and Asia are by far the most handsome I’ve come across. I mean, I wanna just sit on your face. He shouldn’t worry too much about his style of clothing but probably owns a few nice things for work or events.
I'll add a disclaimer: this is not meant to be malicious towards the men who don't fit. After 15 some odd years of dating and understanding my vagina, I've figured out what works and doesn't work for me.
I couldn’t keep myself on the website. I had to put all of my energy and focus into bettering myself and losing weight, which became exhausting. I’ve replaced the lack of attention on my 46 year old German lover who will be coming to visit this summer. I started yoga again and finally wear my butt pants in the steady 30 degree weather we’ve been having here. Today is nice. 60 degrees. Everything but my vagina is thawing. I don’t think it’s comfortable for guys to wear their pants so tight. I’m sure they have chaffing and ingrown hairs that have little white zits that they pick and squeeze in the privacy of their bathroom. I couldn’t stand being around one of these for more than thirty minutes.. he had to constantly pop his ears because he said he was sensitive to altitude changes. Sounded like a “MUUAAHHH,” really loud, didn’t matter where we were. I need to go clear out my art studio – Not having it is like death. I don’t know what to call my blog because I can’t fuckin' do online dating.