HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

 

A great way to lose weight is to keep an ex in your life, teetering on being together again. 

I’m eating homemade popcorn with a stick of butter and a 12 oz container of nutritional yeast, about to skype with someone who ended “us” and made me sleep in an airport.  

 

Approx. money wasted:

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$50 Full Brazilian (includes perianal)

$22 Kabuki spa to unwind before trip

$7.95 Travel shampoo bottles

$78.42 Victoria’s Secrets two sizes too small

$35.27 New sweater

$6.99 play-dough (only needed the container to put old pubes in from when I first met him and de-haired myself)

$4 Two packs of hand warmers

$19.99 Fedex box for paintings

$10.99 Fedex mailing tubes for paintings 

$354.10 Half of the round trip ticket to his state

$50 Airline extra bag fee for my artwork 

$12.58 Fedex express over-nighting my bosses house keys

$15 drinks at his art opening 

$10 Ticket to science museum

$20.95 Five Guys Burger and Fries dinner for 2 (to go) that wasn’t eaten

$20 Cab ride to airport

$2.58 Shitty coffee

$150 flight change fee for early departure

$50 Airline extra bag fee for artwork that was never taken out of boxes.

$47.58 Carton of cigarettes

$22 Kabuki spa for healing

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That comes to $990.40.

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I left my travel size shampoos in his shower. I bet he smelled them and washed his hair one last time before tossing them in the trash.